the starry night dreams and stars, both exists but far

: to become different

: to make (someone or something) different

: to become something else

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/change

So this is the definition of “change” in Merriam Webster. Now I shall answer if did I change last year? Did I become different? Did I make something or someone different? Did I become something else?

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Did I become different?

2013

2013, I was only in senior high school last year. I became too much of a happy-go-lucky person but definitely has dreams. I became a journalist, and my perspective about the world become broader yet more specific. Too much of a paradox but I meant to say, I knew a lot of ideas from everyone and everywhere, and I also learned specific lessons from those. I also won a lot of science competitions. They brought to the place where I am today. A science student in a University.

2013 was the saddest year for me though. My friends, my bestest ever friend, my most intimately close friend, my ever trusted person left me. It was so sad. You know the feeling of being hated by everyone? I really don’t care much about being hated by everyone. But being hated by the person you trusted the most was the most tragic thing that ever happened to me. It’s like everything else betrayed me.I can lose my grades or my dear lover, but I never want to lose a friend like her. Yes, you can say it’s my fault. I could be one of the coldest person back then, since I don’t like socializing too much. I always need time for myself alone, nevertheless this person did not get mad at me for being such. I realized she had enough. I’m too stubborn, I’m too selfish, I’m too self-centered to care about my feelings only. I forgot that we were friends, that if I have problems, I should let them know. If I’ sad or happy, I should always let them know. Because they get worried. They feel worthless around me. She never knew what she meant to me. That she is important to me no matter what she says. She’s my ever trusted friend. Yes I was mad at her. MAD AT HER. Because, I can never talk to her again about all funny stuffs we did, all the crazy shits we did, I missed her, that’s why I’m mad. But I’m even madder at myself for letting her go. I’m really felt stupid. She never left me back whn everyone else left me. But then, she also left me nothing.

2014

A year passed, and I become a college student. Now, I have plans and goals. (Somehow) And made myself a little nicer than before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes with anyone. I reconciled with her, but now she studies in a different place. I wish to fill all the days when we were away. At a second, I forgave that easily. Because she’s my friend after all. Yet, the perks of that, I met new friends that I really love. They support me as I support them as well. They save me from this tragic depression.

To admit, I became more paranoid of losing people around me. As much as possible I do whatever I can do to stay with them or make them stay with me. I know no one is going to stay with me forever but it’s okay, I’m here to stay for anyone. I don’t want them to feel being alone like how I did.

Yes. I did become different. Now, I stopped saying that I don’t care because I actually do care about everyone. I stopped showing my cold side, because I’m a warm person who can give you warm hugs. I stopped making walls on my own world,  if these walls are meant for me to caged forever, I shall break what I built. I stopped expecting too much. It will always get me hurt.

And one more thing that really changed about me. 

I always believed that we are the ones who make our own fate. yes, we do make our own future, but I didn’t choose to be hated by my friend. She neither chose to do so. Circumstances happen. We cannot avoid it. We are not the only ones who revolve the world, the world itself revolves on its own.

Our fates are determined of what we choose in what situation the world will bring. These are the two factors of life that I am trying to survive and everyone else.

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Did I make something or someone different?

2013

I’m not pretty sure what I made before that became so different. All mistakes I did in the past resulted a tragic story for me in 2013. When I thought everything is going to be okay, it turned out to be not so okay.

I’m not sure if I did someone change. Hmm, yes I think my friend. I changed her big time. From being so innocent, I showed her the world, now she have a world with my existence just so small. But it’s okay, at least I’m part of that world.

2014

It’s already October and I know I never did something or someone changed. But I want to change something. 

I want to be that “person” I am going to change. I want to be that “something” to change.

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Did I become something else?

2013

I’m still young back then. I do not remember anything else. But I know, I was so stupid, stubborn, selfish and paranoid. I’m so afraid to lose everything.

2014

I may not become something significant to anyone. But for me, I became a better person for myself.

I learned that it’s okay to fail, lose or cry. I learned that I’m not alone in this world. I learned that I’m also a human like everyone. I learned that I have feelings. I learned that I can grow more. I learned that life is really complicated and that’s what it makes me so alive. I learned that surviving is not that easy but not impossible. I learned that everything I have today may be gone tomorrow, so learn its importance. I learned that mistakes are always the best teachers. I learned that life has better offers as we choose the worst ways. I learned that optimism and pessimism don’t exist, for it is only a state of mind. I leaned that it is okay to love with whole heart than to love and doubt with all regrets in the end. I learned that silence is really golden. I learned that I am already in the age to make my own decisions hence never forget the ones who taught me to decide. I learned that there’s still hopeful answers for every unknown questions in the future and it is important to dream, believe and hope to live on and move forward.

Change is inevitable. So are the world and life itself. We are ought to change. Nothing is permanent but change itself. hence, we shouldn’t be afraid of these changes, but yet grow and learn. Live on and survive Enjoy life as it unfolds every plot in our lives.